1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
   
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
   
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
   
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
   
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
   
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
   
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
   
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
   
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
   
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
    
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
    
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
    
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
    
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
    
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
    
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.